addiction apology
sometimes you just have to write a wall of text & post it
I change up my bedroom on a day with peat smoke hanging thick inside the air, and put sticky notes around the mirror that now sits opposite my bed. I guess I was looking for a witness. Observe my weakness in order to stop indulging it. I have been shaking from addiction. My brain breaking itself in two. Two minds, two urges entering words into a search bar. I feel that teenage puberty that’s happening to me, I see how we could blame testosterone. I see it’s not enough. The rough hands on my body are my own, only. Right there is a problem. But not the cause. I am unconsenting to self’s touch - each attempt a fucking wail. I scream into a pillow. I shout to no one’s face. Lonely is a poem I continue writing. Every sentence is the same. Simmering in repetition, I make promises to change, and do, and make promises to stop, and don’t. Using “won’t” as my language always sets me up to fail. Guilt a veil I wear discreetly, so no one asks me, so I do not look you in the eyes to lie. Is this my fate? My undoing: boundless. New ways to shove trauma aside, fickle enjoyment, fake fake fake. I am coping with mistakes, with silence. This is my striving. This is self-indulgent hope. Perhaps I come clean, make six months without failing. Without participating in my own soul-crushing death. Find an end to this, please, find a closing. I’ve been on my knees yelling at a god I don’t believe in lately, begging to the sky. Sharing this is my controlled version of the scream, a first attempt to harness this terrifying energy into something else, something less harmful. I am so tired of being harmful.